Are your words sabotaging your relationship?

Harsh words spoken in the heat of the moment can cut to the core.

Our Fight!

Last summer we were enjoying a relaxing family vacation at the beach. Mica and I got out of bed and headed to our picturesque balcony for some much-needed QUIET time. We both had our journal and Bible in hand.

The sound of the ocean waves sang peace to my soul as I drank a refreshing smoothie. I enjoyed this moment of QUIET reflection in God’s presence.

As I began writing a scripture in my journal that was really speaking to me, Mica started listening to his audio Bible OUT LOUD on his phone. “Really? Can’t he see I’m trying to have MY QUIET time?” I thought!

My irritation started to build. How could he not know that the Charlton Heston-like voice was distracting my profound moment with God?

You can probably guess how I responded. Instead of kindly asking if he would put on some ear buds, with a mean spirit I said, “Would you turn that off! I can’t concentrate on MY bible reading!” Of course, he then says, “You are so abrasive!”

Part of me wanted to be defensive, but he was right. My words and the spirit behind them were simply wrong, and yes, abrasive. News flash: Mica can’t read my mind!

So how do you deal with conflict in a healthy way? Is it possible to resolve a conflict gently?

Soft Start-Up Versus Harsh Start-Up

In John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he talks about the importance of having a “soft start-up” when you argue as opposed to a “harsh start-up.”

Harsh Start-Up — when an argument leads off with criticism or sarcasm, often using sweeping generalizations like “you always” or “you never.” It will lead to attacking the person or their character, causing a major roadblock for conflict resolution.
Soft Start-Up — expressing how you feel about an issue that is bothering you without criticizing the other’s character. (1) State how you feel (“I’m distracted”). (2) Give the specific situation (“Because you are playing your audio Bible out loud”). (3) Ask what you need/want/prefer (“Would you mind using your ear buds?”).

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18

I obviously have not mastered this. Our marriage is a work in progress, but hopefully we are both learning everyday how to treat one another with respect and kindness.