Seasons of Marriage Series

Unlike the Christmas tune we all know Baby, It’s Cold Outside, where the couple is in a romantic banter with one another, the cold season of winter in marriage can put a freeze on romance!

When Lou and Peter got married, it was fireworks from the start. He was a handsome, kind man and a savvy business owner. Lou, with her brains and beauty, had her MBA and also ran a business of her own. They were the perfect couple. It was the perfect life.

That is, until Peter made some poor business decisions, and his company went belly up. By this time, they had two girls and a large mortgage payment. Creditors were calling daily. Depression set in, and Peter withdrew. Lou’s deep disappointment led to relentless nagging, which in-turn led to fighting 24/7.

In Gary Chapman’s book, The Four Seasons of Marriage, he reminds us that hurt, loss, disappointment, and fighting quickly bring on the winter season of marriage. Winter is characterized by frigid temperatures that leave your relationship shivering and as cold as ice! Negative attitudes create a bitter wind.

How can you identify winter in a relationship?

• Coldness, bitterness, arguing
• Conversations are all-business and impersonal:
  • “Pick up the kids from soccer practice.”
  • “Pick up some milk on your way home.”
  • “Don’t spend too much!”
• Unwillingness to see the other’s perspective
• My-way-or-the-highway attitude
• Defensive, contemptuous, critical, stonewalling

Winter: a season of marriage created not by the difficulties of life but by the manner in which a couple responds to those difficulties. @DrGaryChapman Click To Tweet

We have experienced winter in our relationship as well. I dare say every couple has, but there is hope! Don’t let your relationship die from frost bite. Get out of the cold and warm yourself by the fire.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. -Psalm 27:13-14 NIV

The good news is that, unlike natural weather patterns, we don’t have to just sit and wait, hoping that someday a better season will come in our marriage.

How do we stir the embers to get the home fires burning again in the dead of winter?

1. Start with forgiveness. First, evaluate your own heart. Ask God to help you see if there is any offensive way in you. (Psalm 139:23-24) In Matthew 7:3-5 Jesus instructs us to pull the plank out of our own eye before we try to remove a speck from someone else’s.
2. Try to see through your partner’s eyes. A husband and wife were planning a ski trip, and went to a sporting goods store to buy ski goggles. The husband’s goggles had red lenses, while his wife chose a pair with blue lenses. The husband asked his wife, “What color is the jacket across the room?” The wife said, “Its blue.” The husband replied, “No, its red.” The wife looked at her husband like he had lost his mind. They went back and forth. When they took off their glasses the jacket was actually white. They didn’t see the jacket as it really was; they saw it from their own perspective. With God’s help, work to see things clearly, and try to understand your spouse’s perspective.
3. Learn to speak a different language. Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages is a great resource to help you learn what language fills your spouse’s love bank. Is it words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, or physical touch? If you are trying to show your partner love and they are not responding, you may be speaking the wrong language.

With some work, and I do mean work, your marriage can move from the cold of winter to the warmth and vibrance of spring.

Do you know your spouse’s love language?